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Posted on 2022-01-142022-05-03

For the first time in a while, I got on Twitter.

Progress videos, Research posts, Opinions…

After some time, I logged off.
…I was much unhappier.

I felt bad. I haven’t made much progress recently. I haven’t been researching.1Doing something else than baseball.

I was unhappy…and anxious.

I knew it was my ego.
I knew I was comparing myself to these people.
I knew that these people were showing off their highlights.
I knew that these people were being pretentious about their personalities.

I figured them out a while ago…
…yet the feeling didn’t go away.

Heck, I even understood that these people were good-willed and even admirable! There were things to learn from them, why weren’t I happy about it?

.

A few hours later, the answer came to me: I was attached to this fictional future self-image of myself.

These people were acting like how I’d imagine myself to be. I was unhappy precisely because these people were good-willed and admirable. They took my spot…it felt like. Because I wanted to be unique. Uniquely successful. And they got there first…it seemed.

.

I started asking myself about my desires, again. Gotta be true with myself. This situation told me that I don’t actually understand.

What do I want… with respect to my baseball career?

.

I just want to have the most fun.

.

It will be at the highest level. Myself, as the master of my craft, and my opponents, also. The league doesn’t actually matter, just the game.

The opponents will come when I am at my peak. For whichever level.

It means that I’ll be throwing 100 mph. (Or faster, whatever)
I’ll be throwing those 5 pitches I’ve invented.
Controlling where they head to.
In complete ownership of the movements of the body.
Through flow.

I will win the Cy Young. Once. Then I won’t care anymore.

As these thoughts came to me…
…the emotions were gone.

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