For the first time in a while, I got on Twitter.
Progress videos, Research posts, Opinions…
After some time, I logged off.
…I was much unhappier.
I felt bad. I haven’t made much progress recently. I haven’t been researching.1Doing something else than baseball.
I was unhappy…and anxious.
I knew it was my ego.
I knew I was comparing myself to these people.
I knew that these people were showing off their highlights.
I knew that these people were being pretentious about their personalities.
I figured them out a while ago…
…yet the feeling didn’t go away.
Heck, I even understood that these people were good-willed and even admirable! There were things to learn from them, why weren’t I happy about it?
A few hours later, the answer came to me: I was attached to this fictional future self-image of myself.
These people were acting like how I’d imagine myself to be. I was unhappy precisely because these people were good-willed and admirable. They took my spot…it felt like. Because I wanted to be unique. Uniquely successful. And they got there first…it seemed.
I started asking myself about my desires, again. Gotta be true with myself. This situation told me that I don’t actually understand.
What do I want… with respect to my baseball career?
I just want to have the most fun.
It will be at the highest level. Myself, as the master of my craft, and my opponents, also. The league doesn’t actually matter, just the game.
The opponents will come when I am at my peak. For whichever level.
It means that I’ll be throwing 100 mph. (Or faster, whatever)
I’ll be throwing those 5 pitches I’ve invented.
Controlling where they head to.
In complete ownership of the movements of the body.
I will win the Cy Young. Once. Then I won’t care anymore.
As these thoughts came to me…
…the emotions were gone.